Ah, the holidays. In our minds—and often in our memories—we have a vision: the halls are decked, turkeys and truffles abound and carolers make their way through the snowy streets as our happy families nestle by the fire, feasting and toasting the impending New Year. Though we cannot fault Norman Rockwell for his intentions, his depiction of the family holiday gathering is not always accurate. Many people, in fact, dread family get-togethers, especially during the holidays. While they are hopefully a reminder of good things in our lives, the holidays sometimes conjure up feelings of loss, regret and past hurts.
Knowing how to navigate these events in a peaceful and stress-free way helps us and those around us. Here are a few things that might help—especially when dealing with family during the holiday season.
Manage your expectations. It is important to recognize that many of us have an idyllic vision of family gatherings. In reality, families are often messy. If we learn to set more realistic expectations, we end up less disappointed and occasionally, pleasantly surprised. Do not expect that your family members will change who they are simply because it’s Christmas. Instead, keep things in perspective. The season is short and life as you know it will soon resume. Try to appreciate this time with your family.
Set boundaries. Unfortunately, the holidays don’t come with a manual. While it’s important to accept your family members for who they are, you should also decide in advance what you can and cannot tolerate. If certain individuals are especially difficult, consider limiting your time with them. Recognize that some people are fine to be around in large group settings but not one-on-one. Perhaps even choose an exit strategy if things get unbearable. My advice is to know your limits and to stick with them. Not only will you have more confidence, but you will probably have a more enjoyable time.
Choose compassion. People behave the way they do for a reason. Sometimes the reason is glaringly obvious, while other times it is hidden. My advice is to take the high road. Try to understand why a person might be acting a certain way, and then extend grace in spite of that behavior. The holidays are not the time to dig up old hurts or to lament relationships gone wrong. You will be happier when you choose to find the good in other people.
Take care of yourself. The hustle and bustle of the holidays can unfortunately bring out the worst in us. Our numerous obligations often leave us exhausted, sick, irritable and stressed out. Remember to invest in yourself this month as well. You will be at your best mentally, emotionally and physically when you remember to sleep, exercise regularly, eat healthy and practice a joyful and thankful attitude.
With the holiday season in full swing, let’s all take a step back to look at the big picture, to remember what family is all about and find ways to love, accept and enjoy each other for who we are.
David Lowenstein, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and the Clinical Director of Lowenstein & Associates, Inc. in Columbus, Ohio. In addition to providing therapeutic services to individuals and families, he offers training and consultation to numerous associations, schools and agencies around the country. Additionally, he is a frequent radio and TV guest and a resource and contributing writer for numerous newspapers and magazines nationwide.
Contact Dr. David Lowenstein at 691 South Fifth Street Columbus, OH 43206 or by phone at 614.443.6155 or 614.444.0432.
