Caitlin and Tom had been on several dates over a period of a couple months. Things seemed to be going well – at least that’s what Caitlin thought until Tom suddenly stopped responding to her text messages and calls. He avoided her on social media and in public as well. But Caitlin had no explanation for Tom’s sudden change in behavior, and she wondered what had gone wrong. That’s when she realized that she’d been ghosted.
Ghosting happens when someone you know suddenly ends the relationship without explanation or warning. All communication with that person stops as he or she seemingly disappears from your life. It’s the ultimate rejection, mainly because it leaves you wondering what went wrong. Ghosting occurs most frequently in romantic relationships, but it can happen with friends and co-workers as well. How common is it? At least two 2018 studies indicate that about 25 percent of people have been ghosted at some point in their lives.
Some experts believe that online dating is behind the ghosting phenomenon. People who meet casually – and without common friends – find it easier to end things. The stakes are not high, so there aren’t any significant consequences from walking out on the relationship. Other people ghost as a way to avoid conflict, confrontation and criticism, which often occurs when there’s a breakup. By doing so, however, they overlook the golden rule, which is all about treating others how you would want to be treated.
Regardless of the situation, it’s important to remember that ghosting says a lot about the shortcomings of the person doing the ghosting. In general, people who ghost are more focused on their own emotional discomfort than how the behavior might make the other person feel. Unfortunately, that’s not much consolation when your self-esteem has been crushed. What’s worse, the incident could negatively impact your other relationships, both now and in the future.
If someone you care about suddenly disappears from your life, you’ll need to equip yourself with some coping strategies. Here are a few to keep in mind.
Face it and move on.
You could choose to torture yourself by stalking the other person online, repeatedly texting in hopes of a response, or looking through photos of the two of you together. But that only prolongs the agony and plays with your dignity. Instead, focus on your own health and wellbeing by getting involved with people and things that make you happy. The person who ghosted you lacks courage, and he or she will ultimately have to deal with any repercussions that come with that.
Avoid the self-blame.
Since you don’t know why the other person left the relationship, there’s no reason to get down on yourself for what happened. Again, this is about them – not you. It’s one thing to want out of a relationship. It’s quite another to leave it with no explanation. This may be especially challenging for individuals who suffer with low self-esteem or abandonment issues, which makes it hard to accept the fact that it’s not their fault.
Keep on living.
Once you’ve been hurt, it may be difficult not to worry about being hurt again. That’s just human nature. But some level of vulnerability is necessary in any relationship. If you’re busy trying to avoid the hurt, you won’t allow the vulnerability to occur, and that could jeopardize the quality of the relationship. In short, you can’t let it get you down. There are other people to meet, and someone better will eventually come your way – if you let them.
If you’ve been ghosted and you’re having a difficult time overcoming the emotional pain, you may need to seek professional help. On the other hand, if you’re the person doing the ghosting, a professional counselor could help you learn to deal with life’s uncomfortable moments in a more caring manner.
The names used in this post are not real.
David Lowenstein, Ph.D. is a psychologist and the clinical director of Lowenstein & Associates, Inc. in Columbus, Ohio. In addition to providing therapeutic services to individuals and families, he offers training and consultation to numerous associations, schools and agencies around the country. Additionally, he is a frequent radio and TV guest and a resource and contributing writer for numerous newspapers and magazines nationwide. Contact Dr. David Lowenstein at 691 South Fifth Street, Columbus, Ohio, 43206, or call 614.443.6155 or 614.444.0432.
