It happens in relationships all too often. When two individuals disagree, one of them might bring in a third party to hopefully take their side. This form of manipulation is often referred to as triangulation, and it can happen among friends, in romantic relationships, and even in the workplace. However, it may occur most often in co-parenting situations, especially when divorced parents have not learned to communicate effectively.
When divorced parents use triangulation, they put their child in the middle. This can play out in several ways, such as asking the child to act as a messenger between the two parents, venting about the other parent, or trying to obtain information about what’s happening in the other parent’s life.
Unfortunately, this can create an uncomfortable situation because the child loves both parents and may feel pressured to take sides. Despite lacking the necessary skills for resolving conflict in a relationship, the child could feel a huge responsibility to make sure everyone is getting along.
As co-parents, here’s what you can do to avoid this common co-parenting pitfall:
Communicate directly. Speak with your co-parent either in person or via an agreed-upon form of communication, such as a co-parenting app, email, or text. Your child should not be involved in these conversations.
Agree on some ground rules. This includes never talking negatively about the other parent in front of your child. In the heat of the moment, angry parents may forget how much it hurts their child when they put the other parent down. You may want to agree that certain topics are never discussed in the presence of others, especially your child.
Avoid the drama. You may still feel the sting of the divorce, with its betrayal and hurt, but your child is not a part of that. It’s best to keep the bitterness to yourself. If you must vent, find a trusted friend or family member who will listen instead. Better yet, consult a therapist.
Put your child first. Both parents must agree to put their emotions aside and remember that their child’s best interests come first. That means not arguing in front of your child, not saying negative things about the other parent, and never putting your child in the middle of the conflict.
Image by Tiny Tribes from Pixabay
Dr. David Lowenstein is a Columbus, Ohio-based psychologist with more than 35 years of experience. He conducts individual, family, and group therapy sessions in his German Village office and also via telehealth. Dr. Lowenstein is also available for expert forensic testimony, and for educational workshops and presentations. He is frequently called upon as an expert source for print, radio, and broadcast media. Contact Dr. Lowenstein at Lowenstein & Associates, 691 South Fifth Street, Columbus, Ohio, 43206, or call 614.443.6155 or 614.444.0432.
