Can you be friends with your ex-spouse? The answer to that question depends on how the marriage ended and whether one or both of you is still harboring pain from the breakup. If you have children together, friendship may be necessary for successful co-parenting. It’s in your children’s best interest for the two of you to get along. But even if you don’t have kids, there could be a time when friendship makes sense. First, here are a few things to keep in mind.

• Give it some time. Unless you’re co-parenting, it could help to step away from the relationship altogether for a period of time. You can’t have a successful friendship if one of you is not ready to move on from the marriage. A little time allows you to heal from what went wrong.

• Establish some ground rules. You were once in a romantic relationship with this person, and it might be easy to fall into that routine once again. Make sure your friendship is just that: a friendship. And don’t send confusing messages that could lead your ex down the wrong path.

• Send a clear message to your kids. Your children may still be hoping that you and your ex get back together. To protect their feelings, make it clear that you’re simply spending time together and that it won’t lead to a marital reunion.

• Find new ways to get emotional support. Don’t let your ex be the first person you run to when something goes wrong in your life. It may be tempting to rely on your ex because they’ve provided that kind of comfort in the past, but adopt new support systems instead.

• Keep business matters private. If you run into your ex when other people are around, that’s not the time to discuss issues related to your relationship, whether it’s about the divorce, your kids, or maybe even assets you once shared. Instead, choose a time when the two of you are alone and can discuss these matters in private.

• Say nice things or say nothing at all. If you talk badly about your ex in front of others, people will think you’re talking about them as well. Above all, never speak in negative terms about your ex in front of your kids. Your ex will always be their parent, so take the high road and show respect, no matter the circumstances.

In many cases, it’s possible to form a lasting friendship with your ex-spouse. If kids are involved, it can be beneficial for the entire family. If, on the other hand, the pain is too great and you’re not ready to be in the same room together, friendship may not be realistic. The choice is yours. 

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Dr. David Lowenstein is a Columbus, Ohio-based psychologist with more than 35 years of experience. He conducts individual, family, and group therapy sessions in his German Village office and also via telehealth. Dr. Lowenstein is also available for expert forensic testimony, and for educational workshops and presentations. He is frequently called upon as an expert source for print, radio, and broadcast media. Contact Dr. Lowenstein at Lowenstein & Associates, 691 South Fifth Street, Columbus, Ohio, 43206, or call 614.443.6155 or 614.444.0432.