Rejection can be devastating, especially when you’re totally unprepared for it. That’s exactly what happens when your spouse blindsides you with news of a betrayal and/or the need to separate. No matter how many years you’ve been married, it’s likely that you’ll experience intense feelings of rejection — even shock. This can lead to anger, sadness, and some soul-searching about how this came about.

It doesn’t matter if you never saw it coming or if you’ve known for a while that the relationship was not quite right. When something this disturbing occurs, it may be difficult to rein in your emotions, which could include feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy, denial, depression, pain, and confusion. But taking control of your emotions is exactly what you need to do. If you’re struggling and need some time, put any conversations about the impending divorce on hold. Tell your spouse that you need to process what’s happening. Eventually, you’ll be ready to work through the following steps:

• Think clearly. Try to determine if the situation is serious or just a threat. If your spouse has filed the necessary paperwork or hired a divorce attorney, that’s a sign that the situation is serious and more than a tactic to get you to bend at his will. On the other hand, it’s possible that your spouse is angry or unhappy about something in the marriage, and you may be able to resolve the problem.

• Consider counseling. Find out what’s behind the decision and determine if there’s a way to fix it. Is your spouse willing to see a marital therapist as a way to possibly save the marriage? A better understanding of what’s driving your spouse’s decision can help you determine if it will help to change behaviors. If both parties are willing, counseling is frequently a way to solve the crisis in your marriage.

• Accept reality. If your spouse has moved on and is not agreeable to marriage counseling, then it’s probably futile to beg for a change of heart. The truth is, you can’t control your spouse’s emotions, and your mental health will only suffer if you try to do so. Instead, accept what’s happening and focus on how to move forward with your life.

• Take care of yourself. As with any crisis, drugs and alcohol are not the answer and will only complicate an already difficult situation. What you need right now is to focus on the behaviors that will help you stay healthy, such as exercise, adequate sleep, and good eating habits. These may initially seem trivial when you’re in the throes of despair, but they will make a difference — both now and in the long run.

• Get help. Divorce is especially stressful and upsetting if you’re not the one who initiated it. With that in mind, you may need some help navigating the days ahead. A divorce coach and/or a mental health professional can help you recover, forgive, and move on from the feelings of rejection. These professionals — along with the trust and support of family and friends — can help you shed any feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.

Despite how bleak your life may seem at the moment, there’s hope after an unwanted divorce. Cultivate new relationships, and embrace new experiences and interests. With the right mindset and help from people you trust, you can and will learn to love life again. 

Image by Shiv Mirthyu from Pixabay

Dr. David Lowenstein is a Columbus, Ohio-based psychologist with more than 35 years of experience. He conducts individual, family, and group therapy sessions in his German Village office and also via telehealth. Dr. Lowenstein is also available for expert forensic testimony, and for educational workshops and presentations. He is frequently called upon as an expert source for print, radio, and broadcast media. Contact Dr. Lowenstein at Lowenstein & Associates, 691 South Fifth Street, Columbus, Ohio, 43206, or call 614.443.6155 or 614.444.0432.