After another trip around the sun, Valentine’s Day is here once again. Depending on your current romantic situation, that could be good news–or bad. Sure, it’s a “Hallmark holiday”, and to some extent it can be easily ignored. But if you’re recently divorced or in the process of a divorce, this Valentine’s Day may look significantly different than it has in the past.
For starters, you may be thinking about dating again and wondering if the time is right. Or perhaps you’ve already met someone, and you’re worried that it could be too soon to get romantically involved. Either way, here are some things to keep in mind.
Take it slow.
While everyone’s timeline is different, it’s usually best to give yourself time to grieve and process your post-divorce emotions. Some of this comes naturally as time goes on, but it could still require a little effort on your part. For instance, you may want to attend a support group or meet with a mental health professional who can help you through the process. At the end of the day, it’s best not to jump into a new relationship before you’re ready.
Cultivate a sound support system.
In the best-case scenario, you’ve been able to develop a support network of friends and family members you can rely on if you’re feeling anxious about your situation or you just need to chat. Unfortunately, you may discover that the social circles you enjoyed during your marriage have changed since your divorce. That’s because old friends you knew with your ex-spouse could be inclined to take sides.
Be prepared for changes in the dating scene.
A woman I knew who divorced after 37 years of marriage shared a story about her first date after the divorce. As her date approached the house, she peered out the window to see an older man coming up the walkway. Initially shocked about the man’s age, it took her a minute to process the fact that she was no longer the young girl who dated before she married. She was now an older woman adapting to a dating scene much later in life.
While age may not always be a factor, there’s a good chance the dating scene has changed during the time you were married—even if just a little. To begin, you may need to learn how to use dating apps. At the very least, you should allow yourself to be open to new experiences. Give yourself plenty of time to adjust to any changes you encounter.
Think about what you want in a relationship.
After a divorce, it’s not unusual to harbor feelings of anger and bitterness. While some of this may inform what you want to avoid in the future, it’s important to ensure that those feelings are generally in the past. Instead, focus on the qualities you like in a potential partner, whether it’s a person who shares your love for certain activities, someone who is willing to help out at home, a partner who likes to socialize–or all of the above. It’s okay to be somewhat intentional about these things.
Consider how dating will affect your children.
If you have children from your marriage, you may feel guilty about dating. This is understandable given that their lives have changed dramatically as well. Most studies suggest that you should wait until your children have adjusted before introducing someone new to the family. Even then, it may be best to wait until you’re personally more comfortable and serious about the new relationship. While the focus is typically on children who are still young enough to live at home, don’t discount the fact that grown children may be hesitant about your new romantic partner.
Remember that after divorce there is no right or wrong timeline for when to begin dating. Keep these things in mind before you take the plunge, but at the same time, be open to a new romantic relationship when the time is right.
Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay
Dr. David Lowenstein is a Columbus, Ohio-based psychologist with more than 35 years of experience. He conducts individual, family, and group therapy sessions in his German Village office and also via telehealth. Dr. Lowenstein is also available for expert forensic testimony, and for educational workshops and presentations. He is frequently called upon as an expert source for print, radio, and broadcast media. Contact Dr. Lowenstein at Lowenstein & Associates, 691 South Fifth Street, Columbus, Ohio, 43206, or call 614.443.6155 or 614.444.0432.
