We all have at least one friend who can’t say no. She rushes around, burning through her own energy reserves to help others reach their goals. In the meantime, her own ambitions gather dust. The desire to help others may be a noble attribute, but if taken to unhealthy levels, it can also cause unnecessary stress and problems in your own life. Knowing when to say no—and how to do it with tact—can greatly benefit your own emotional health and productivity.
Consider the consequences.
Before you agree to doing a favor or performing a task for someone else, think about what’s involved and how it will affect you. Will it impact your time or sanity? What about your finances? You should also think about how it could affect your reputation or your health. Your initial instinct may be to please, but it’s perfectly valid to weigh the cost of helping against your personal well being. Think it through and make an informed decision before you respond. If the response is negative, don’t feel guilty about it. Simply move on.
How to say no.
Many people find it difficult to say no because they don’t want to disappoint a friend or loved one. If this sounds like you, keep these words in mind: honesty, respect and assertiveness. Be honest about why you can’t help right now—for their peace of mind as well as your own. Remember to respect their feelings, and be prepared to say it again. If you have to repeat yourself, be brief and firm.
Ditch the guilt.
Saying no does not make you a bad person. It simply asserts the fact that your own needs are also valid, and that you have chosen to consider your own circumstances before making a hasty decision.
As Judith Sills, PhD., writes in Psychology Today, we should not confuse saying no with negativity. They are distinctly different psychological states; the former is a moment of clear choice, and the latter is a chronic attitude.
“The No that is an affirmation of self implicitly acknowledges personal responsibility,” Sills writes. “It says that while each of us interacts with others, and loves, respects, and values those relationships, we do not and cannot allow ourselves always to be influenced by them.”
Remember that knowing when to say no—and doing it with a positive attitude and a clear conscience—will make you more prepared and enthusiastic when it’s time to say yes.
David Lowenstein, Ph.D. is a psychologist and the clinical director of Lowenstein & Associates, Inc. in Columbus, Ohio. In addition to providing therapeutic services to individuals and families, he offers training and consultation to numerous associations, schools and agencies around the country. Additionally, he is a frequent radio and TV guest and a resource and contributing writer for numerous newspapers and magazines nationwide. Contact Dr. David Lowenstein at 691 South Fifth Street Columbus, OH 43206 or by phone at 614.443.6155 or 614.444.0432.
