If you or someone you know is approaching the empty nest years, pay attention. Recent statistics don’t offer an optimistic outlook for marriage after the kids leave home. In fact, there has been a sharp increase in the number of couples calling it quits after 20 or more years of marriage–especially after the kids take off for college or elsewhere. Both men and women now have a greater chance of their marriage ending in divorce than dying while married. It’s a grim scenario that raises an important question: What happens when the kids leave the nest?

Much of what occurs is an offshoot of our kid-centric society. Couples get married, have a family and then devote their lives to their kids. On the surface, it doesn’t seem like a bad thing until you look more closely at what’s happening to the marriage, which quickly takes a backseat to soccer games, piano lessons and homework assignments. For many couples, the kids become the center of their universe, and that leaves little or no time to nurture the marriage.

Years ago experts told parents to spend more time with their kids, and for the most part, parents listened. Unfortunately, many people now take the act of parenting to a competitive level. If the Joneses hire extra services so their child can make the varsity team, suddenly everyone is hiring extra services so their child can make the varsity team. Today it’s not enough to raise a successful child. Parents want their child to be the best. It’s an idea that manifests itself in everything from sports to music to where the child chooses to attend college.

But let’s get back to couples, marriage and the empty nest years. During the demanding, time-consuming childrearing years, couples have little or no time to devote to each other. They often become strangers passing in the night, struggling to make it through a jam-packed schedule. Mom and Dad spend most of their time worrying about their kids–and they forget to worry about their marriage. One day the kids leave for college or work or the armed forces. That’s when Mom and Dad look at each other and say, “Who are you?” If their relationship was more like a parenting arrangement than a marriage, they suddenly face a big challenge.

For parents who did not take the time to develop their own life, the empty nest years may feel really sad. Instead of seeing it as a time of adventure, they view it as a death. Too many parents are not able to make the adjustment. They simply cannot believe that life exists after their kids leave the nest, and many marriages end in divorce during this time. If more couples would only view this time as a re-birth, things might be different. Here’s how:

• Plan ahead. Start talking about what you want to do when the kids leave–both individually and as a couple–long before they actually leave. Plan for the change in exciting ways that you both can embrace. Do you want to relocate to a smaller home or a condo? Would you like to travel more? Go back to school? For the first time in a long time, you may now be able to pursue some of your dreams. Remember those nine months you had to prepare for the birth of a child? It may have seemed daunting at the time, but you made it work. Planning for the empty nest years is really quite similar. You know the transition is coming, so plan ahead.
• Renew the relationship with your spouse. Go back to doing things together that you once enjoyed, like riding bikes, eating out or seeing a movie. Start the dating process all over again. If your relationship has been more like a parenting arrangement than a marriage, this will be a challenging transition–but it can be done.
• Embrace a new activity. Take a class, get physically active, start a new hobby, connect with a peer group or volunteer. These are good ways to channel your time and energy into something worthwhile and rewarding. If you’ve always dreamed about learning to sail, now may be the time. Think you can change the world by volunteering for a local charity? You won’t know unless you try.