1. Look for underlying needs. A great example of how this works is to give your child something to play with while waiting in line.

2. Give information and reasons. If your child colors on the wall, explain why we color on paper only.

3. Look for underlying feelings. Acknowledge, accept and listen to your child’s feelings.

4. Change the environment. This is sometimes easier than trying to change the child.

5. Find acceptable alternatives. Redirect your child’s behavior.

6. Demonstrate how you want your child to behave. If your child pulls a cat’s tail, show her how to pet the cat. Do not rely on words alone.

7. Give choices rather than commands. Decision-making empowers children; commands invite a power struggle. For example, ask your child if he would like to brush his teeth before or after putting on his pajamas.

8. Make small concessions. I’ll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired.

9. Provide for a period of preparation. Tell your child how you would expect him to behave, and be specific. Role-playing can help prepare for potentially difficult situations.

10. Let natural consequences occur. Avoid the temptation to rescue your child. For instance, a child who does not hang up her bathing suit and towel may discover they’re still wet the next day.

11. Communicate your own feelings. Let your children know how their behavior affects you.

12. Use action when necessary. If your child insists on running across the street during your walks together, hold her hand tightly while explaining the dangers.

13. Hold your child. Children who are acting aggressively or obnoxiously can benefit from firm but loving holding that allows them to channel their pent-up feelings into healing tears.

14. Remove your child from the situation and stay with him. Use the time for listening, sharing feelings, holding and conflict resolution.

15. Do it together and be playful. Many conflict situations can be turned into games.

16. Defuse the situation with laughter. Laughter helps resolve anger and feelings of powerlessness.

17. Make a deal and negotiate. If you’re ready to leave the playground and your child is still having fun, reach an agreement on the number of times she may go down the slide before leaving.

18. Do mutual conflict-resolution. Discuss ongoing conflicts with your child, state your needs and ask for his help in finding solutions. Determine the rules together, and hold family meetings.

19. Revise your expectations. Young children have intense feelings and needs and are naturally loud, curious, messy, willful, impatient, demanding, creative, forgetful, fearful, self-centered and full of energy. Try to accept them as they are.

20. Take a parental time-out. Leave the room and do whatever you need to do to regain your sense of composure and good judgment.