Children are bound to compete in many ways—for playground space, toys—even for attention from the adults in their life. We live in a world where competition is inevitable and a natural part of life. That said, it’s a parent’s job to channel their child’s competitive urge in ways that benefit the child’s development into a responsible adult.

Unfortunately, our society has glorified competition and celebrated winning to the point where children have a difficult time competing in a healthy way. In sports, we see parents who get extremely upset when their kids don’t win the game. As adults, we tend to think only of the benefits of competition, which leads us to encourage competition in our children as a way of preparing them to succeed in life.

While it’s true that healthy competition can increase a child’s energy and spirit, and it can stimulate better performance, it can also interfere with good performance and even lead to depression. Children are quick to notice when parents say one thing and do another. They follow our examples—and not our words. That’s why it’s so important to set a positive example for helping our children develop healthy attitudes about competition. In fact, it’s far better for parents to emphasize kindness and cooperation over competitiveness. Here are some helpful guidelines for parents:

• Examine your own lifestyle. You are the role model. If your child sees that you focus more on getting a promotion than on the needs of the family, he is likely to grow up to be competitive, perhaps foregoing his own emotional needs in favor of economic goals.

• Reduce competition between siblings. Sometimes parents make comparisons between their children without even realizing it. “Why can’t you be more like your brother and keep your room clean?” or “Your sister understands math; why can’t you?” Avoid this kind of talk. By doing so, you help to lessen feelings of competition between siblings and improve family relationships overall.

• Emphasize learning over grades. It’s never a good idea to encourage your child’s academic performance efforts by offering money or gifts for good grades or to punish a child for earning poor grades. Instead, recognize that children need to learn for the joy of learning—because they are naturally curious about a subject—not because they fear they won’t live up to your expectations. It helps to think of grades as guides, indications of your child’s special talents or signals of her need for assistance.

• Accept your children as they are. That means loving your children with their likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses—without pushing them to be someone they aren’t. Children who feel secure about themselves have higher self-esteem and don’t have an urgent need to get ahead simply for the sake of winning or being the best.